The power of IF!

If I eat a book am I a bookworm? If I drink water am I a fish? If I wear tights am I a tightass? If I get more tattoos will I look scary? If I sail down the Nile am I in denial? If I walk the street am I a street walker? If I walk around the block have I gone anywhere?

If I wear a wok will I look like a samurai warrior? If I wear suspenders and a bra will I be a lumberjack? If I wear a loincloth will I be tazan? If I stand in the freezer will I be an Eskimo? If I have holes in my shirt am I holy? If I wear my underwear on the outside am I a superhero? If I am standing in smoke and in a hot sun am I smoking hot?

Normal day at work

Baton the hatches, lock up the food stores, Computers gain sentience and spout the numbers 42. Old ladies skip down the aisles, old men play boomerang with their false teeth, people slam their hands in car doors just for a red hand.... Brad is finally off to that magical place, living the dream called work.

Well it has come around again. Call the national guard, arm the cricket bats with springs, chuck slinkies down stairs, Send the military to line dancing classes, SAS to Tango classes, Import tigers that attack on command, deploy the mini robots, activate the mind control to buy the expensive things. Fire the hypno toad. Cover me I am going to work

Next time I get a call about a virus on my computer I should ask if I have to hook the romulan to gigawatts that have klingons draining the light boosters to the motherboard that is ramming the ROM drive into the squiggy dipstick. Skynet is going to ask why me in my computer before going digital pop and click

The time has come for the Lords of the Dance to emerge as protectors of the world, Goblins rise up out of the ground, The great horned man wanders the earth singing ACDC, Genies appear from Arabian nights to grant twisted wishes, Ghosts mass against masseuses, Body armour fitted with lazy rays, Gas that mutate mutants - I am off to work eventually

Time for work, deploy the cannons, Let loose the Chihuahua's of war, The pugs of New Caledonia, The snipers of Ni, Body armour stolen from the 29th Century, A horde of smart ass barbarian Huns and the bored colonists of Australia

Hi ho hi ho off to work I go. Gadget powers check, ninjas check, body armour check, power ranger powers check, the power to charm peoples socks off check, the power to the dark side check, insane doomsday weapon charging

Load up the camels, prepare the AT-AT imperial Walkers, Alert the temple of NOD, Send a telegram to the Russians, Email the American army to deploy, Send in the babies with cattle prods, Tell NASA to send Soviets to the moon, Release the Oompa Loompas with extreme caution, Throw grandmas into the shops swinging their handbags - I am going to work cover me!

Nearly that time of day again. That time where I let loose a plague of ninjas, Oompa Loompas, Munchkins, Strap on body armour, Tazer, place snipers and Centrelink personnel in strategic locations. At least I get to wear a footy shirt today, so I am in disguise.

Facebook explanations

Today we look at the mysterious creatures called The Lol-ian. They are known to leave the word Lol on posts. no one knows if this is a complex language, they could have bred with the OMG-ians or the PMSL`s. Crikey! Next week we look at the pokers and lure them out of their nests

Today we look at the creature called a Like. Likes are creatures that lurk silently liking everything. They rarely speak and are related to the Lol-ian. Lol-ian and Likes do combine forces with the pokers.

The Pokers and Lol-ians will one day gain an alliance and take over the world one poke and giggle at a time. Super Poke will be their big boss to defeat.

Pokers:- People who are lurking online, but wanting your attention. Someone's way of saying hello and checking to see if you are online. The poke is someone's idea of a hug or something else sultry. A poke is something you give back in person to confuse them until they get what you are doing

Theme of the night, Pokes..... Lock, Stock and two smoking pokes, Star Pokes Voyager, Mary had a little poke it was white as snow, Pokes lead to anger Anger leads to more pokes and the dark side of the poke, Darth Poke, Pokemon, Jay and silent poke stroke back

The Facebook wall. The one place where 99 bottles dont fall, Humpty Dumpty doesnt either, pink Floyd does not sing about it and people dont climb it to look over the top

A little bit of Christmas Kaos

On the first day of christmas my true love gave me, One billion dollar company, Two mergers, three hostile take overs, Four CEO's wanting a payrise before christmas, five contracts to the military, Six industrial saboteurs, Seven billion dollars embezzled, Eight weeks with protesters protesting, Nine hours offering Protesters steady employment with share options, Ten corporate dinners, Eleven holidays to tropical islands and 12 years on the run with the secretary.

On the first day of christmas, One child was left at home, Two robbers came a calling, three bowling balls a falling, four traps set, five cops dunking donuts, six houses robbed, seven traps sprung, eight cops a calling, nine family members realise they left their kid at home, ten years later the kids in therapy, 11 years probation for the robbers, 12 months later the robbers escape.

Tis the night before christmas and not even the Occupy Wall street were stirring. Santa waited at corporate headquarters for the naughty and nice list to be analysed by the accountants and HR, The elves were sorting out the gifts being made in China, Mrs Clause was sorting out Indian call centres that would help mission control in Russia

Past Supermarket Wars part 1

Today in supermarket wars: plums could not hitchike as they had no thumbs, berries were the best assassins as they berried everyone, grapes tried to dispute the number 42, pears went undercover as apples

Today in supermarket wars:- Evolution stopped at the supermarket and knocked, God was looking at lightbulbs wondering what sort he wanted and to see if they were energy efficient, Jesus went round and round in the revolving doors, Satan found chili dip too hot and Peperoni peppery, The Vatican couldnt explain the babblefish- Scientology found it too dry and the Latter Day Saints added sauce saying perfect,Noah went to Bunnings after timber and returned with a kitchen

Today in supermarket wars: Jesus couldnt figure out what to feed the masses french stick, whole meal or plain bread, cask wine or top shelf. Watermelon found rockmelon was not rocky, aisle two porthole broke sending people to the gulag and not fantasy land

Today in supermarket wars: Boba Fett liked fetta, peanuts found they were not related to peas, Han solo sponsored by Hahn, Redhead matches were fiery, Bananaboat suncream went bananas in Bahamas

Today in supermarket wars: vegemite felt mighty with vegies, ice cream doesnt scream or shout about the ice, pine nuts were pining, French dip didnt take tips, cauliflower wishex it was a sunflower

Today in supermarket wars: party pies like to party, sausage rolls just roll that way, the jafha like jaffers, captain solo likes drinking solo on solo missions, Luke skywalker used the power of the mars bar

Today in supermarket wars: Dim Sim lost their Sim, pears wanted wool for a yarn, spring rolls had winter vegies,

Today in supermarket wars: cottage cheese was homeless after the bank took the cottage, bakers earn some bread, God found he needed more fibre, cooking cream got creamed after ruining the cooking, pears were shady after finding shades of grey in peaches

Today in supermarket wars: glad wrap was wrapped up bread, tomatoes thought they were potatoes, Jesus tried to explain buddhist to the masses, God gave up trying to work out quantum physics with pears and matches, scientists created a reaction when they split peas

Today in supermarket wars:- spam cant read maps, coffee is not good for peas, chick peas do not grow into chickens, spring onions and spring beans bounce everywhere, hobbits couldnt reach the top shelves and find elves tasty, Sauron had to headhunt minions from supermarkets, God is addicted to fortune cookies down aisle 9

Today in supermarket wars, strawberry liked kisses, raspberries had a blue with blueberries, string beans were mistaken for asparagus, rocket scientists tried using rocket and capsicans by launching them, Russians hid amongst the lettuce hoping to be let in

Today in supermarket wars: ginger snaps sakatas, thin chips crinkles, hot chooks liked the sauna, communist prawns pawned pineapples, cerial killers were stopped by crunchy nuts

Today in supermarket wars: Jedi became shelf stackers and the sith were on registers and jarjar binks and his people were managers, princess armadla was caught ship lifting, Darth vader loves fairy bread, emperor palpatine bought out the skin care range

Today in supermarket wars: topless pineapples went sunbathing, bananas peeled in the sun and were a little green while fishing in a boat, chutney chatted with coleslaw, blue berry and prune were in a forbidden romance, aisle 4 supported string theory with strings, Darth Vader loved the store lady selling urban wear

Today in supermarket wars : the big bang was actually a balloon popping, Mary ate her little and wore lamb skin boots, aisle 2 was a figment of aisle 4's imagination, aisle 1 has an imaginary friend called Hector,

Today in supermarket wars : hypno toad was used as anger management, Bender falls in love with a register, r2d2 thought the registers were talking dirty, the Easter bunny was held hostage by a dozen chocoholics, quantum physics were performed by cabbages, grapefruit had gripes against pears

Today in supermarket wars: an evil genius had his lair under a shop and was called a manager, fresh produce was able to build a death ray out of carrots, apples and mushrooms, a lost snow patrol was found exiting the freezer on the other side of the world, Russia invaded America by building a never ending supermarket

Today in supermarket wars:- Sam I am was fined for selling Green Eggs and Ham, The cat in the hat was banned from supermarkets world wide, The radioactive man was used as a nightlight, Avocados dreamed of being pirates and wanted to make apples walk the plank, Barley had parleys with Harley's and Parsnip, The Borg had trouble opening chip packets

Today in supermarket wars : zombies were addicted to caffeine and made them jumpy, Jesus ran up an expensive bill buying bread and wine, satan was framed by Santa pirating religious music, pears thought they had an identity crisis when they seen shampoo, God was broke and had to work on checkouts after bailing Jesus from his addictions

Today in supermarket wars : aisle 5 had temporal shifts, the space time continuum developed a tear down aisle 10, eggs were so out of date baby dinosaurs hatched, milk gained sentient intelligence after being mixed with breadcrumbs, beetroot became great artists

Today in Supermarket wars:- crunchy nut cereal found they liked nobbys nuts and went a little nutty, breath mints followed mint peas, baby peas went to mush while crying with peeling onions, Police walked into the freezer and told everyone to freeze,

Today in Supermarket Wars:- The droid army were turned into cash registers and self service registers with attitude, Aliens declared war on Potatoes due to an insult, Spring beans were used for bungy cord, Carrots liked heavy metal while cabbage had a thing for classical

Today in supermarket wars, the world evolves around supermarkets and they say the world is flat, tomatoes are natural stealth technology ninjas keep it a secret, supermarkets are really the source of religions

Today in Supermarket Wars:- God was caught shoplifting and was asked to return the shopping centre, The Borg go looking for ice cream to assimilate, Satan was stuck when his credit card was declined and couldn't buy iced vovos, The Ninja Turtles were refused service when trying to buy cigarettes, Batman was fired as security

Today in Supermarket Wars:- Telemarketers join the congregation of the phone, The Japanese were found to be whale hunting amongst the coleslaw, The Russians took a wrong turn in Siberia and stepped out of a supermarket freezer in Woolworths, Mother in laws are actually found in a can, Alphabet soup was missing a letter and couldnt spell

Today in Supermarket Wars: Wall Street run by Elves and unicorns which explains the Occupy movement, Studies shows The socks of Terrorists and world leaders smell the same, The supermarkets in New York are really run by communist Prawns, Supermarkets in China are owned by Monks with aisle one being harmony and tanks, Sheep own shares in woolly jumpers

Today in supermarket wars: socks have been responsible for many acts of terrorism, eve was charged with stealing apples, communist prawns are really in power in America, The Bible and Harry Potter have similarities both Eve and Voldemort speak to snakes.

Today in Supermarket Wars:- The worlds biggest supermarkets are actually run by communist revolutionaries in every country like Walmart and others, In a news exclusive - God admits that Jesus was swapped at birth and was a test tube baby, The revolutionary underground entrance is found behind feminine products in aisle 10, Milk shakes are not cows who have had too much coffee, Booty is actually what is in the car boot

Today in Supermarket Wars:- Types of shop keepers and explanations. Mercenary shop keepers - fighting wars to keep prices low, Big chain supermarkets - sells big chains for cheaper prices, Adult shops - selling / hiring adults to children to attend functions their parents can't attend, kids stores - hiring / trading / selling children to people who want a child to show off or to exchange with a better model, Pet shops - selling humans to animals for companions

Today in Supermarket Wars:- Cupid outsources to the Mossad, USA military out sources personnel from Mexico and India, Indian call centres out source to Hell for cheap labour, The old Soviet Union is found amongst the stringy cheese, God is found in a bottle of juice before he dissolves, Sherpas are found stuck in the freezer aisle after falling through a crevasse in the Himalayas

Today in Supermarket Wars:- Supermarkets become world powers, Mushrooms are speed demons, Future governments are decided by carrots and beans, Future Japan hunt Aliens for scientific purposes with harpoons, Satan visit shops for a mysterious herb for his cooking show in America

Today in Supermarket Wars:- Santa gives the present delivery contracts to the postal services of each country, Elves are found to be a trip hazard in shopping centres, Supermarkets use mercenaries to invade small nations, Future wars are conducted at the checkouts. Spam brings down skynet and the Terminators

Today in Supermarket Wars:- Santa's Elves try to Occupy the North Pole by working in call centres, To raise funds the Vatican brings out hair care products, Dracula becomes Bankrupt after the GFC and has to work on checkouts in a supermarket along with his harem, Frankenstein's monster becomes a CEO on Wall Street, Zombies are next to Occupy Wall Street as the Triffids appear, Godzilla eats God who tastes like smelly boots

Today in Supermarket wars:- Santa's favorite food is Reindeer, Santa has the elf economy where he trades an elf for anything, China sells Santa coal for elves, Butterflies, Koalas and sloths are tools of Satan in his image, Dragons biggest weakness are baked beans, Dinosaurs were killed by dragons eating baked beans leading to global warming

Today in Supermarket wars:- Jesus didn't die for our sins but faked his death to get away from a stalker called Sin. God made earth in 7 days and on the 8th he received the bill, The Vatican was really a Brewery and nuns were the bar wenches, Goblins were found wandering aisle 2 looking for batteries for their brooms, Jedi like tofu, Sith like their steak medium

Today in Supermarket Wars:- The Rapture was not actually world ending, but a recipe for making beer, When Jesus rose after 3 days it had taken him that long to recover from a bender, Adam and Eve had problems with snakes in their apple orchard, Jesus and his followers were actually after beer and the bible is their journey in search for beer, Moses was not running from an army but debt collectors.

Today in Supermarket Wars:- Spiders have been found doing the moonwalk, Jesus was caught shoplifting bread and fish for the masses, Aisle 2 was found to be a conundrum, Spring onions were caught wooing Stone fruit in French, One rotten tomato was bad news. Flying saucers were hovering over the milk

Today in supermarket wars, tank tops were ordered and the wrong parts turned up actual tank tops , leeks are not to be transported by ship, Jack setup a business with the giants for tourism up the beanstalk, Bananas in pajamas eat bananas.....

Today in Supermarket Wars, Ice does not scream so stop trying, New movie Three pears and an apple, Baked Beans are really a product produced by a doomsday cult, Blue berries are blue, Gods favorite movie Armageddon and Fight Club, Prophets of Doom like picking wild flowers and lumberjacks

Today in Supermarket Wars:- King Kong and Donkey Kong realise Hong Kong is not a gorilla, research finds Godzilla rampages when tofu is unavailable, Ghost busters are not plastic surgeons, Skynet takes over Facebook.

Today in Supermarket Wars - Zombies are always in a bad mood as they cant use can openers for their cans of baked beans. We hear Brain, Brains and Urgh, Graaah. Problem is no one can understand zombie language as its a dead language. Beer nuts are alcoholic gamblers, Turkish Bread are actually Swedish.

Today in Supermarket wars, artichokes choke when singing, Sherpas are needed to navigate the freezers, Strawberry Yoghurt produces hallucinations, God went shopping and left 6 days later with lightbulbs

Today in Supermarket Wars - spring beans are used in vehicles, Snap lock bags break door locks, Customers like watching hardcore Prawns and banana peeling